If you feel Crazy ever, Like me the last two days. I finally asked for help but it was almost 8pm. If you are like me and don't want to end up in the Psych ward in some random hospital, call Copes if you are in Tulsa County. If you don't live in Tulsa Co. and you want them to come to you, drive some where in Tulsa Co and then call. It is 24/7 and they may be able to help you get through the moment. I know they did tonight for me. I have a plan now.... before that I didn't know where to go, I just wanted to hide. I know I don't have to hide. If you need help call 744-4800.
Community Outreach Psychiatric Emergency Services (COPES)
2325 S. Harvard, Suite 400 Tulsa, OK 74114
Phone: 744-4800
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
This is so HARD!!!!
So I have been trying not to blow up in Anger! It is so hard when the one person that keeps pushing you is the one that keeps holding the blow-ups against you!
I thought he loved me. I thought he would stand by me. I thought that he married me because he would love me and my flaws. I'm not talking about new flaws, I'm talking about the bi polar anger/irritability issue flaws that have been there for more than 12 years. I am actually improving. Hard to believe for those who have just befriended me in the last 4-5 years.
The "Temporary Friends": I have friends/loves that put up with me for 1-3 years, they find out how bi polar really affects them and then they are out. That is why I have never had a relationship with a guy longer than a year until my current husband. My husband and I dated a year and now we have been married for 2. Well just after 2 years, yup you guessed it he fell into the so called temp friend category. You know the song.... Are you strong enough to be my man? That is how I feel. It seems that the Temp Friends just get in, find out, then bail ASAP!
The "True Love Friends": The ones that last through thick and then. The ones that witnessed the pill popping in between classes, the huge break-downs of my hitting my head on the floor crying, and the late night calls that I wish I could have said I was drunk because I sounded so crazy. But they said that they would stick by me no matter what. Jess, Eb, Jan, Ry, and lea. I know they know who they are. They said they would love me forever, they have. All of them has seen me though a rape, out of wedlock pregnancy, divorce, hospital stays, and the recent plague that has ran off the Temps.
That brings me back to the temps. They always say they will be there no matter what but you know what.... the big "plagues" are the tests in life. (which there are usually excuses at first, then like always they in time disappear) The plagues are the things that are going on in the moment that make others run like they will actually catch it... like someone will catch a late period or a bad relationship. Sad but true... these things make me break down and therefore I get the plague that runs off the Temps.
The True Love Friend out of all of this: Jesus. He is there to talk to when things are out of control. When you hate the day you are in. Look to him praise him for the positives. I can't change what is going on right now but I can thank and praise him. I thank him for the opportunities that I do have left with my husband. I know that they are slim and on thin ice but I pray and pray before I meet him just so the things that I have going against me doesn't break me down.
I thought he loved me. I thought he would stand by me. I thought that he married me because he would love me and my flaws. I'm not talking about new flaws, I'm talking about the bi polar anger/irritability issue flaws that have been there for more than 12 years. I am actually improving. Hard to believe for those who have just befriended me in the last 4-5 years.
The "Temporary Friends": I have friends/loves that put up with me for 1-3 years, they find out how bi polar really affects them and then they are out. That is why I have never had a relationship with a guy longer than a year until my current husband. My husband and I dated a year and now we have been married for 2. Well just after 2 years, yup you guessed it he fell into the so called temp friend category. You know the song.... Are you strong enough to be my man? That is how I feel. It seems that the Temp Friends just get in, find out, then bail ASAP!
The "True Love Friends": The ones that last through thick and then. The ones that witnessed the pill popping in between classes, the huge break-downs of my hitting my head on the floor crying, and the late night calls that I wish I could have said I was drunk because I sounded so crazy. But they said that they would stick by me no matter what. Jess, Eb, Jan, Ry, and lea. I know they know who they are. They said they would love me forever, they have. All of them has seen me though a rape, out of wedlock pregnancy, divorce, hospital stays, and the recent plague that has ran off the Temps.
That brings me back to the temps. They always say they will be there no matter what but you know what.... the big "plagues" are the tests in life. (which there are usually excuses at first, then like always they in time disappear) The plagues are the things that are going on in the moment that make others run like they will actually catch it... like someone will catch a late period or a bad relationship. Sad but true... these things make me break down and therefore I get the plague that runs off the Temps.
The True Love Friend out of all of this: Jesus. He is there to talk to when things are out of control. When you hate the day you are in. Look to him praise him for the positives. I can't change what is going on right now but I can thank and praise him. I thank him for the opportunities that I do have left with my husband. I know that they are slim and on thin ice but I pray and pray before I meet him just so the things that I have going against me doesn't break me down.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Don't Wait!
DON'T WAIT FOR
THAT NEXT BLOOD DRIVE
Regulations in the United States allow people to donate whole blood once every 56 days, for a maximum of 6 times during
a 365-day period.
As incredible as it may sound, an otherwise healthy teenager who is involved in a car accident can require over 100 units of blood. To put this in perspective, a heart transplant patient requires 4-6 units. In an accident, the rapid loss of blood is often more deadly than the actual injury itself. So if you think only sick or elderly people need blood, think again. You, or anyone you know, could be just a heartbeat away from needing blood - and lots of it - fast.
Most people are shocked to learn that the American Red Cross blood supply is often just 48 hours away from "empty?" That's cutting it close. Current blood donation rates are not keeping up with increased demand. Now more than ever, the Red Cross needs ongoing, regular donations from people like you.
http://www.givelife.org/
Besides if you are scared of needles, the needle is usually only in your vain less that 15 mins. You can take a needle in the arm 5 times, totaling less than an hour, a year to donate blood for someone's life. You never know it might be your own. Think about how scared loved ones are right now receiving donated blood right now. I'm sure it is worse than your fear of needles.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
My Prayer
Thank you for today. Thank you for the life you have given me. I am yours and yours alone. I praise you name for you are, the Almighty one. The one I can trust to guide me in your will alone. I pray for my husband. I pray for you to give him guidance. I trust you to guide his heart the right way. I pray that he will never question our love and commitment to each other after this passes. I know that there is a season for everything. I will make it through this to. For you are God and one day I will be with you. I can't fathom what I will encounter the day I am in your presence. I wait to be completely fulfilled by you. Thank you again for everything you have done throughout my life. I know you have watched over me the whole time.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I want sleep
Here it is a Wednesday morning at 4:04am. I want my husband. I long to be held. I love him more than anything else in the world. I just want him. I want to ask God why? This is unfair.
Why give love if you don’t receive it back. Why did God give me this love for him? I wish I didn’t right now. I wish I could sleep. I wish I had something to look forward to.
I want my husband. I can’t express the pain I feel. I am physically hurting beyond belief! I can’t eat, it hurts to bad or it comes right back up.
Why is this happening? It is always something in my life.
My father and his alcohol. The rape. The baby. The failed marriage.
Then my life looks up. I go to church, I put God in my life. My husband comes. I think all will be well. Now he doesn’t want to see me. Now I ask why?
Why give love if you don’t receive it back. Why did God give me this love for him? I wish I didn’t right now. I wish I could sleep. I wish I had something to look forward to.
I want my husband. I can’t express the pain I feel. I am physically hurting beyond belief! I can’t eat, it hurts to bad or it comes right back up.
Why is this happening? It is always something in my life.
My father and his alcohol. The rape. The baby. The failed marriage.
Then my life looks up. I go to church, I put God in my life. My husband comes. I think all will be well. Now he doesn’t want to see me. Now I ask why?
Friday, August 1, 2008
Why?
How do you defend yourself without sounding rude, mean or awful? What if the person is someone you love?
I don't know what to do. Part of my wants to just pack up his things and send them to him. The other part of me wants to hold on. I don't think either is good. I want to work this out. If I didn't care I would go off of emotions and do what I want right now. That isn't the way to do it though.
I feel like he is avoiding me. I don't think that putting off seeing me a day is worth the pain he is causing. But it must be to him? I don't see how making everything complected is going to help.
I know that we will never have a perfect marriage but why make this harder than it already is? I want to do what is best for our relationship. That is why I am going along with this.
I hurt so bad. I physically hurt. I wish that I could feel better. I miss him. He is my other half. I made a commentment to this marriage and I'm not going to back down. He is the love of my life.
I don't know what to do. Part of my wants to just pack up his things and send them to him. The other part of me wants to hold on. I don't think either is good. I want to work this out. If I didn't care I would go off of emotions and do what I want right now. That isn't the way to do it though.
I feel like he is avoiding me. I don't think that putting off seeing me a day is worth the pain he is causing. But it must be to him? I don't see how making everything complected is going to help.
I know that we will never have a perfect marriage but why make this harder than it already is? I want to do what is best for our relationship. That is why I am going along with this.
I hurt so bad. I physically hurt. I wish that I could feel better. I miss him. He is my other half. I made a commentment to this marriage and I'm not going to back down. He is the love of my life.
Monday, July 21, 2008
things
Things have been difficult. I don't know what to say anymore. I get angry and blow up and don't know why. It can be over nothing or something big. Either way it is completely irrational and disrespectful. I hate this part about me. People say that you have to love yourself before loving someone else. I wish I knew how to control this so that I can love every part of myself.
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